My Kitchen Countertops Are Ruining All My Pictures




Why do you do this to me, ugly yellow granite? Or rather, why do you do this to me, previous homeowners who chose the ugly yellow granite? I realize that this was a popular material choice back in the early aughts, but if I’m to understand correctly, our kitchen was re-done shortly before we bought the house (which was in 2013). Could you not have chosen something a bit more neutral or modern? Don’t even get me started on the maroon wall (THAT WE’VE STILL YET TO PAINT).

Nothing looks good on this countertop. Nothing, I say! My white dishes clash with it. It makes pictures look dark and dingy, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to prevent that. Counterintuitively, any light in the area glares off of it, making pictures suck regardless of time of day or weather.

It’s also hindering my ability to re-do my kitchen (which is maybe why I keep putting it off? Sure, we’ll go with that.) Since we don’t plan to stay here forever, we don’t want to do a full gut job and have no intention of replacing these damn countertops. But it makes it difficult to do ANYTHING with the space, because everything I like decor-wise (white, gray, anything neutral) clashes with it. I suppose I could go black (like a tuxedo situation), but that would make the space even darker. Plus I don’t really want to paint the (ugly off-white) cabinets anyway.

Also! (And yes, I know I wrote basically the same thing 3 years ago on my old blog) These suckers are impossible to clean. I mean, they’re pretty easy to clean – they’re granite – but they camouflage everything, so I can never tell whether or not they’re ACTUALLY clean without breaking my back leaning from various angles. “That sounds like a benefit!” you say? To that I very respectfully say, kick rocks. It sucks.

So here I sit with ugly pictures. WOE IS ME. Could I have it worse? OH ABSOLUTELY ONE THOUSAND PERCENT. Am I still going to wine incessantly about it? Quite obviously yes. One day we will buy a house and I will gut the kitchen regardless of condition when we move in and I will have my dream kitchen (white people, amirite?) Until then, I’ll be over here dreaming of all the gorgeous Cambria Quartz. I’LL HAVE YOU ONE DAY, CAMBRIA QUARTZ!!

All the heart eyes.

Cut it the hell out.

I’ve been putting a concentrated effort into being a more positive, less judgmental person. Not in a blech, icky way, but I do tend to lay the snark on way thick at times and I tend to jump to conclusions, so I’ve been trying to be more open-minded and such. That said, some days it’s harder than others to bite the old tongue. Some things I’ve been thinking lately (this is my safe space, okay?):

  • Would everyone please shut up about “leggings aren’t pants”? Leggings ARE, in fact, pants. VERY literally so. I think, friends, that we’re perhaps confusing leggings with tights. Tights are not pants. They’re…underpinnings? They’re meant to be worn under other articles of clothing. They’re sheer. Leggings are not sheer. They’re NOT meant to be worn under other articles of clothing (except maybe a long shirt). Leggings are pants. They’re pants. They just are. Don’t wear them to, like, court or anything, (what I’m saying is, they’re VERY casual) but they’re pants. Quit it.
  • I have zero tolerance, at this juncture in life, for people who scoff at others for being “weird.” I’ve actually begun to use this as a qualifier for who I consider to be a garbage person with low intellect. Weird people are the only people who matter. The only people who AREN’T weird, at least a little bit, are people who are chickenshit and are terrified to be anything other than painfully boring. You’re Angela from American Beauty. Gross. Get outta here.
  • Shut the hell up about “cheat days.” It’s been scientifically proven (by me) that every time you use the term “cheat day,” you actually GAIN half a pound. Look it up. It’s right here. I just said it. It’s true. In all seriousness though, NOBODY cares that you’re eating a donut. Talking about it makes you excruciatingly boring. Stop.
  • It is not okay, once you’ve reached the age where you consider yourself an adult, to say that “you don’t care about politics,” and then complain about the state of pretty much anything (usually in an extremely uneducated manor). That’s lazy. I understand not caring for politicians, but at least know the difference. You’re not making a statement by saying you don’t care about something. I know you think you are, but you’re not.
  • Is anyone actually inspired by any of this ridiculously generic, “inspirational” drek that everyone feels is necessary to constantly spout on social media? Stop saying “rise and grind,” please. Life is not as hard as you’re making it out to be. You live in the suburbs and work in an office. Also, post pictures on Instagram. I don’t even care what pictures you post. Food? Cool. Selfies? Chill. Whatever. Just freaking post pictures. That’s what Instagram is for. If I wanted to see 48 thousand memes a day, I’d google that shit.

Basically, I’d just like everyone to stop being robots. I don’t know if it’s the appropriation of social media or a certain age group or what, but I’m so bored with everyone acting the same. Speak your individual minds. I’ve seen little sparks of brilliance in most people I talk to on a regular basis, but so many people just seem so terrified to like what they like and act naturally. The world would be so much cooler if everyone would just be themselves!

Okay, I promised I wouldn’t be “crazy rant Jessi” on here, but I don’t think I got toooooooo deep. I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. 🙂