Tag: humor

Cut it the hell out.

Leave a comment

I’ve been putting a concentrated effort into being a more positive, less judgmental person. Not in a blech, icky way, but I do tend to lay the snark on way thick at times and I tend to jump to conclusions, so I’ve been trying to be more open-minded and such. That said, some days it’s harder than others to bite the old tongue. Some things I’ve been thinking lately (this is my safe space, okay?):

  • Would everyone please shut up about “leggings aren’t pants”? Leggings ARE, in fact, pants. VERY literally so. I think, friends, that we’re perhaps confusing leggings with tights. Tights are not pants. They’re…underpinnings? They’re meant to be worn under other articles of clothing. They’re sheer. Leggings are not sheer. They’re NOT meant to be worn under other articles of clothing (except maybe a long shirt). Leggings are pants. They’re pants. They just are. Don’t wear them to, like, court or anything, (what I’m saying is, they’re VERY casual) but they’re pants. Quit it.
  • I have zero tolerance, at this juncture in life, for people who scoff at others for being “weird.” I’ve actually begun to use this as a qualifier for who I consider to be a garbage person with low intellect. Weird people are the only people who matter. The only people who AREN’T weird, at least a little bit, are people who are chickenshit and are terrified to be anything other than painfully boring. You’re Angela from American Beauty. Gross. Get outta here.
  • Shut the hell up about “cheat days.” It’s been scientifically proven (by me) that every time you use the term “cheat day,” you actually GAIN half a pound. Look it up. It’s right here. I just said it. It’s true. In all seriousness though, NOBODY cares that you’re eating a donut. Talking about it makes you excruciatingly boring. Stop.
  • It is not okay, once you’ve reached the age where you consider yourself an adult, to say that “you don’t care about politics,” and then complain about the state of pretty much anything (usually in an extremely uneducated manor). That’s lazy. I understand not caring for politicians, but at least know the difference. You’re not making a statement by saying you don’t care about something. I know you think you are, but you’re not.
  • Is anyone actually inspired by any of this ridiculously generic, “inspirational” drek that everyone feels is necessary to constantly spout on social media? Stop saying “rise and grind,” please. Life is not as hard as you’re making it out to be. You live in the suburbs and work in an office. Also, post pictures on Instagram. I don’t even care what pictures you post. Food? Cool. Selfies? Chill. Whatever. Just freaking post pictures. That’s what Instagram is for. If I wanted to see 48 thousand memes a day, I’d google that shit.

Basically, I’d just like everyone to stop being robots. I don’t know if it’s the appropriation of social media or a certain age group or what, but I’m so bored with everyone acting the same. Speak your individual minds. I’ve seen little sparks of brilliance in most people I talk to on a regular basis, but so many people just seem so terrified to like what they like and act naturally. The world would be so much cooler if everyone would just be themselves!

Okay, I promised I wouldn’t be “crazy rant Jessi” on here, but I don’t think I got toooooooo deep. I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. 🙂

inspirational_memes_to_get_you_more_motivated_for_life_640_06

Secret Single Behavior

1 Comment

Every respectable woman (ha!) is familiar with the Sex and the City reference. For those you of who are unfamiliar, Secret Single Behavior is behavior you participate in when you’re at home by yourself. I think it typically refers to single women who live by themselves (as evidenced by Carrie’s freakout when she decided to move in with Aidan…and also by the fact that it’s called “Secret Single Behavior”), but I think that it can also apply to women (or anyone, really) who live with their significant others who just happen to not be home at the moment.

Jeff has been not home more than is typical for him recently (his friends have been calling this new, social Jeff “dope Jeff”), which is awesome both because he’s broadening his horizons AND I get the house to myself more often. Of course I love his company, but sometimes you just gotta be by yourself, ya know? So anyway, I’ve noticed that I fall into somewhat of a routine when I have the house to myself. My Secret Single Behavior includes:

  • Eating something that does not generally resemble a meal for dinner. Examples include (but are not limited to) a huge bowl of edamame; some semblance of a cheese plate; something dipped in hummus; whatever veggies I have in my fridge thrown together in a relatively unappealing way; or more popcorn than is or should be considered sane. Basically, anything that requires little or no preparation and can be eaten standing up/in front of the TV. Also, I really like to dip things, so if my dinner includes dipping, that’s ideal. Some type of alcohol (usually wine or beer) is always included. (Drinking alone is my favorite – is this worrisome? I say no.)
  • Exercising in a strange manner. This is not always the case, but I have a wedding coming up, sooo…plus, I’ve recently discovered that working out really does work as a legitimate antidepressant. This is especially important to me since winter is coming, and I get killer seasonal depression. Here’s an example of what I mean by “in a strange manner”: last week, I was drinking wine and watching Candidly Nicole (we’ll get to my Secret Single TV Habits in a moment), and I noticed that I was getting dangerously close to my calorie limit on My Fitness Pal, but I really wanted another glass of wine. So I ran a mile…in place, in front of my TV. I was not dressed properly for this (I was bra-less and my hair was down), and I ended up taking my pants off midway through because I got too hot. This is a judgment-free zone, friends. But I felt GREAT after I was done! Another strange exercising habit I have is pacing around my mostly vacant guest room while listening to podcasts.
  • Watching terrible TV. I think a lot of women share this “Secret Single Behavior.” My recent favorite is Candidly Nicole, but I’m also stone cold addicted to Sister Wives, any program on the Food Network involving children competing against each other or bad cooks, Four Weddings (that’s another “just right now” situation), and occasionally I’ll indulge in a little Wife Swap. I’ll also watch TV that I don’t consider to be terrible, but that Jeff isn’t into. Celebrities in Cars Getting Coffee is the main thing that comes to mind, but I’ve also been into Kroll Show (which I think Jeff would enjoy, actually), reruns of Gilmore Girls and Parenthood, and I’ll pretty much always watch The Office any time I see it on.
  • Talking on the phone with my mom or best friend for several hours, pacing around my 1st floor. Hey, remember long-distance? That sucked, right?
  • Saying ridiculous things on the Internet. I don’t really do this purposely when I’m home alone; it just always seems to happen. Which is convenient, because while I definitely consider myself to be an introvert, I also have the tendency to get kind of lonely. When I say something ridiculous online (particularly on Facebook), it tends to initiate a lot of conversation. I have a lot of hilarious friends, so this tends to be a lot of fun.

IMG_4382

What weird things do you do when you’re home alone? Judgement-free zone!